Weird Stuff We All Do When We’re Home Alone

You’re home alone. Your dog is asleep next to you. She’s so cute. You wonder what you would do without her, and your imagination takes over. “What if she wasn’t here anymore?” The thought brings tears to your eyes, which makes you think, “I wonder what I look like when I’m crying?” You get up, walk dramatically to the bathroom mirror and watch yourself cry. We understand. We do weird stuff when we’re home alone, too.

Here’s some other stuff we all do when we’re home alone . . .

Worrying About Choking When No One Can Save Us

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Normally, you don’t worry about choking on bites of your apple. When you’re alone, however, you think, “What if I’m sitting here by myself, watching The Office, eating this apple, and an apple seed I didn’t see gets lodged in my throat? I’ll die alone!” You fill up your search history with ways to save yourself in case you choke while you’re by yourself. The best thing you find is, “Throw yourself over the back of a chair so the chair performs the Heimlich maneuver for you.” You weigh your options, check the backs of your chairs, and keep eating. Then, you decide never to mention this moment to anyone. Whew! You’re safe to eat alone for another day . . . as long as there’s a chair around.

Social Media Stalking

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You’ve made all your usual rounds on social media and posted about how great your latte and breakfast muffin looked this morning. Now what? You’ve got some extra time on your hands so you might as well see what your ex is doing. You discover he’s having a lot of fun with his new girlfriend on their vacation to Florida. Also, he bought her a new puppy and he calls her “Junebug” just like he used to call you. Now you’re throwing pillows across the room and your dog is low-key judging you with some serious side-eye. You could have avoided this. Next time you’ll know better. You’re growing wiser everyday.

Brushing Your Hair Weird

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Your favorite stream is a little boring today so you roam around your house looking for something to do. You come across your favorite brush just sitting on the bathroom counter. You think, “I wonder what I would look like with a side part?” You brush all your hair down straight and flat, and then step back and enjoy your creation. You look like one of The Three Stooges and you’re kind of proud of how unattractive you can make yourself in private. Then, you go for it–the side part. You brush your hair into a side part, take a selfie, and send it to your BFF so you can get a good laugh together. Now you’re done. You’ve accomplished so much. Time to move on to the next idea.

Debate Yourself

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You ask yourself, “Wait, do I even know how I would debate someone on why Brittany should be free?” You find you’re woefully ill-prepared to enter into a robust discussion so you start Googling Brittany’s latest saga. After 30 minutes of some hardcore research, you speak your piece into the silence of your bedroom. You know what to say, how to say it, and you feel really good about how many sources you can cite to prove your superior knowledge on the topic. You’re ready for the debate! Now, you just have to wait for someone to ask your opinion. In the meantime . . .

Trying On Old Jeans Like a Champ

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How do you know if you’ve lost weight or if you still look good in your skinny jeans from college if you don’t pull them out of your closet and try them on? If they look good you could save so much money on shopping by bringing back some of your oldies but goodies. You’re being very responsible. We all try on old clothes when no one else is home. If they look good, we can’t wait to wear them out in public again. If you find your legs in the unfortunate position of being stuck halfway in and halfway out of your jeans while you writhe on the floor desperately trying to pull them over your thighs, you eventually give up, sigh, and say, “I’m glad no one is seeing this.” It’s fine. Everything is fine.

Watch Your Biceps Get Bigger

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When you’re working on your fitness, you need to motivate yourself. Especially when you’re home alone. It’s different at the gym. There, you’re motivated by loud music, the personal trainers shouting “You can do it!” and your sense of competition when the lady on the treadmill next to you starts running faster than you. At home, you need to pump yourself up by watching your bicep become more defined with every curl you do. When looking straight on starts to lose its luster, you know what to do. You turn to the side and marvel at your strength from the left and then the right. You’re super strong and no one knows it. Time to buy a tank top on Amazon . . .

Give All Your Money to Amazon

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Sitting around your place alone brings out the interior designer in you. Notice an empty spot on the wall? No problem. It’s time to head over to Amazon for some retail therapy. Shopping alone in the mall is kind of boring. Shopping alone on the couch is a spender’s paradise. No crowds, no being tempted by the aroma of Cinnabon wafting through the air, and no one else judging the amount of money you’re spending. Except maybe your side-eyeing dog who’s wondering if you’re ever going to replace the dog bed he chewed through last month. It’s time for the new dog bed. Thank you, Amazon, for helping us spend money. Time to continue our productive streak . . .

Pretending to Read Books

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You know how everyone says, “I just want to grab a cup of coffee and read a book.”? It always sounds so relaxing and smart. So, you’re home alone and you want to be prepared if anyone texts you and asks, “What are you doing?” Your response will make you sound like Shakespeare and Charles Dickens, “Oh, just reading a book and drinking coffee.” You can’t wait to impress your friends! Then, 5 minutes into your newfound love of academics, you fall asleep. But you DID read for 5 minutes. You deserve an extra degree for this.

Eating Ice Cream from the Carton

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So, the old jeans didn’t fit. Might as well lean to it. We all do from time to time. Why is it that ice cream tastes way better when you’re eating it alone, out of the carton, and with one of those big spoons you keep in the back of the drawer? We don’t know. But it does. That’s just a fact. We don’t eat it all. We aren’t animals. We just eat enough to signal to the rest of the household that someone around here had a reasonably sized snack and then put the carton away. Or . . . we accidentally eat the entire contents of the carton and call Door Dash. “Hello, Door Dash. Can you please go to the grocery store and buy a new carton of ice cream for me?” Problem solved. No one will ever know.

Singing in the Bathroom

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The acoustics in your bathroom are better than anywhere else in your home. There’s no carpeting in there to soak up all your high notes, and your brush makes a stylish microphone. Sure, you might feel a little shy at first. You’re not used to being the lead singer, backup, and drummer all by yourself. But you’re up for the challenge. You were born for this! You are the King or Queen of rock and everyone in your imaginary audience needs to know it. You start at a low volume and go high with hits from the Backstreet Boys, Billie Eilish, and Drake. You’re a superstar! Your judgemental dog delivers a low growl meant to stop you, but you misinterpret it as an attempt to back you up, and you sing louder. We understand. Home alone or not, the show must go on!

Dance Party for One

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You didn’t expect it. Out of nowhere, your favorite band begins to play on shuffle. Not the stuff they played on the radio–deep tracks, man. The tunes you think only you know about, so you feel a weight of responsibility to dance. Dance hard. Like you used to when you went to concerts with your buddies and everyone was watching you be awesome. Halfway through the song, you realize you’re working up a sweat. This is exercise! So, you turn up the volume and get your workout on. Good for you. You’re a dance-athlete!

Laying In The Middle of the Floor

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You’re famous now after that epic rock concert you just pulled off in your bathroom. You deserve some downtime. We all enjoy falling to the floor with a dramatic sigh from time to time. We wouldn’t do it in the middle of family game night or anything, but there’s something freeing about doing it when we’re home alone. There you are, laying on the floor like a two-year-old. Your dog has had enough of you. But also, he loves it when you make a solid attempt to see things from his perspective. So, he comes over and curls himself into your side. Laying on the floor feels like a quiet act of rebellion. We all know it, but we don’t talk about it. Let’s keep this between ourselves . . . and the rest of the Internet.

Hope You Don’t Get Murdered

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What was that noise? It was probably just a car door closing across the street. But it could just as easily be a serial killer entering your house through a basement window. You recall every True Crime drama you’ve ever watched. You know all about Ted Bundy and you’re not in the mood. You spot a butter knife on the table–you know what to do. You’re proud of yourself and the number of times you’ve staved off horrible dangers by hiding under the covers and wielding your butter knife. We’re proud of you too.

Lighting Your Face for Upcoming Selfies

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No one asked you for a new selfie. But you’re forward-thinking. You’re prepared like a Scout or one of the cast members of Survivor. You’re going to use your home alone time productively and take a preemptive selfie so when someone asks for one, you’re ready. You try on outfits, work your makeup, do your hair, and play with lighting that will make you look like a balance between a fashion model and a touseled-but-attractive Mom on Pinterest. You’re using your time wisely, and you’re ready for every eventuality.

Watching Yourself Cry in the Mirror

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You’re home alone and watching the final episode of Parks and Recreation. You don’t want it to end (again). But it does. You watch your surrogate TV family say goodbye to one another and you start to cry. “I wonder what I look like when I’m crying?” You ask yourself the question, and you demand an answer. You walk to the bathroom and watch yourself cry. The mascara running down your face looks very dramatic and you wonder if you could star in your own YouTube channel about sensitive yet strong women. You also wonder if this is what you looked like when Brad broke up with you. This was a really important learning experience. Time to start Parks and Rec from episode one again.

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